Things are good... real good

Sometimes I find that I post/write in my journal/whatever only when I've got built up emotion.  And since things are going really well with my s.son's other household, I thought I'd mention my gratitude for it. 

This year we put him in a brand new charter school that was hyped up to be AMAZING.  Long story short, it didn't turn out to be amazing and actually had a LOT of problems.  The daily routine was similar to jr. high with 7 or 8 different subject classes each day with as many teachers instead of one homeroom.  Initially, I thought this might be a "pro" because our little man has had difficulty focusing at his desk all day in the past, but it turned out that having one teacher to monitor behavior and progress throughout the day is crucial to these younger kids especially.  Behavior and even accountability to do schoolwork is out the window when nobody is right there to guide all the way through the day.  Every subject's teacher would have to be accountable for every single student in the school, since they teach every grade a period every day.  ANYWAY, we got him back into the neighborhood school only a block away, but it almost didn't happen.  The transition and ease of agreement with his other household was awesome.  I couldn't have hoped for a better conversation as we talked about it, and I was a little worried that they would blame me since I was the one who came up with the idea of having him go to this "wonderful new school" in the first place.  (They taught Spanish and sign language and monthly hands on field trips... sounded great!)  But I underestimated them, and I'm so glad we all just want the best for our son.

At his flag football games, I've had a little more interaction with his mom than normal, and it too has all been good.   Maybe I need to just let go of my gun-shy-attitude that results from past hurt.  I'm sure I've hurt her in some way or another in the past too.

Oh well...

Earlier this month I called her to make sure the date of Clay's baptism would work for her and the rest of her family.

She didn't pick up. Of course. 9.5 times out of 10 she doesn't if I call... {but if Brian calls...she probably will pick up even though, no offense, honey, but I'm the one who knows scheduling and arranges daily life! It's very frustrating and has hurt Clay's feelings a million times they they ignore his attempts to reach him and never call back.}

Anyway...

I left a detailed message about the baptismal date and the option to do it a different day and also included information about a back to school night coming up. {New school. Charter school. We're all excited about it! More info to come}

She never called me back. I didn't really expect her to.

Then her sweet parents come over to give Clay a birthday present. We visit for a while. I like and respect them a lot. I even invite one of them to give the opening prayer at the baptism because I really want them to be included, not just invited. However, the actual response I got when I told them about the baptismal date was, "Oh, I didn't know Clay was getting baptized. I knew he was old enough to, I just didn't know he was."

Really? Obvious observation:

• She didn't care one bit to even tell her parents Clay was getting baptized.
• She probably wouldn't answer the phone when her mother calls her either {I know this is true in the past because her mother called me to see if she even still had the correct phone number she hadn't talked to her in so long} and hence the call to me to see who had Clay and if they could come see him.
  
• Clay is never taken to see them. From what he says, it appears he sees his mother's side maybe twice a year.

Then I realize that they have another grandchild's baptism the very same day at least an hour in the opposite direction. Only one of them can make it and probably none of the rest of her family. Further observation:

• She did not invite anyone in her family to come because she would've realized her niece's baptism overlapped that day.

We could have changed the date! I feel awful, but obviously she doesn't care, so why should I? Why do I want to include them? Is it because I feel it is the right thing to do? Or do I think it will make me look like a good stepmother because I want to include them? Honestly, MORE the first, but probably both.

It's her week to have him and the baptism is Saturday. He needs to be at the church 30 minutes early. He'll probably be 15 minutes late.

SO, ME... How can I change my attitude to be positive and respectful? I suppose I can choose to not care that she doesn't want close relationship with her family right now and be grateful that my family is so close knit not to mention the fact that I have a wonderful relationship with my in-laws. I can try to believe that my best efforts will be enough and I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I am the bests stepmother I can be given my emotional boundaries. It's ok if it's not the huge party I wanted to celebrate with Clay. Our side is enough, right? Our side is great! He will know how much we care about him.

Ok. It's all good.

One big happy family...

For the first time in Clay's life, we will be hosting an event with ALL of his extended family invited from both sides... at least three sets of grandparents since my folks will come, and probably a lot of cousins from his mom's side. Yes, in a few months, Clay will be getting baptized. I don't have any fears about this, but rather more curiosity...

Do I invite everyone to the luncheon afterward? How do I not? It's not that I don't want to invite everyone, but will THEY be comfortable coming to my home? Will my husband be comfortable? It's been over five years since their divorce. We ALL want to celebrate with him on his special day, and there are no exclusions to who gets invited to celebrate. That is my take.

Next question... do I handle the event planning all myself? Do I include Mary in the planning? It is, afterall, her little boy's baptism too, but she's never been involved with Sunday stuff... She doesn't have anything to do with the church and Brian is the one baptizing him... However, if it were reversed, I would want to be in on the planning - at least be the one to invite my side of the family, so maybe I'll ask her if she wants to do invitations with me or give her the invitations on her side to distribute.

Am I being WAY too concerned? I plan on having a light luncheon so do I invite her to contribute by making something? Or will that come across as bossy? I've been told that by her before, which I suppose I can be, but I was blinded by just trying to do what was right for Clay. I have reservations about how I can and can't act so... yeah, that's why I am concerned. I want it to all go over smoothly and have everyone happy and comfortable. I imagine it will fulfill a little curiosity for Clay's different relatives of the family to see the other sides... or maybe they couldn't care less... I don't know. I do know, however, that I really respect Clay's maternal grandparents. They have always been genuine, so very kind and generous.

Okay, I've decided. I'll tell Mary of my plans with plenty of advance notice and give her the option of being involved however much she wants. Everyone will be invited to the luncheon afterward and hopefully we can have it in the outdoor area at the church to avoid a million people squeezing into our house... The Lord knows I want this to be a special day for Clay, and he wants everyone to be there to celebrate with him... so I'll let you know how it goes!

It's all what's best for him anyway, right?

Most FABULOUS Mother's Day EVER!

Mother's day was last week. I know, I know... for stepmothers, this day can be bittersweet sometimes, but hear me out. I love mother's day not only because I LOVE being a mother (including being my stepson's mother,) but also because I love my own mother and mother-in-law and enjoy celebrating them! WE ARE HAPPIER WHEN LIFE ISN'T ALL ABOUT US!!!


Now don't be hatin'... I'm going to tell you how I got SpOiLeD!! (Go ahead and copy this down and leave it on your hubby's pillow next time he needs a hint...)

The day before, my hubbs let me have a couple hours to myself. So I went down to a boutique and picked out a thing or two for myself - something I RARELY do.

Sunday morning I got breakfast in bed. Not just any breakfast - oh no! My honey got up extra early, made belgium waffles topped with strawberries in a sweet glaze and whipped cream... and a side of bacon. TO DIE FOR! What a schweeetie, huh!

Then we went to church. Church is hard to sit through sometimes, I agree... but today they filled my soul with wonderful things about motherhood, and it felt soo good. YAY for making the right choice to go to church!

Then my sweet s.son (I only clarify "step"son [s.son] for your understanding because to ME he is my SON too, and I always want him to feel 100% a part of our family - never half or less loved, etc. He and I both know we are technically "step") got out his gift that he made in school. This year he made a gift for his other mother and me both. It was a book that answers questions about us such as "My mom is happy when _______. Or My mom smells like _________. I had found these in his backpack and read through them already (who doesn't like a sneak peak at a gift?) and one page said, "My mom is pretty when _________" and he wrote "when she tries to be." LMAO!!! Okay, okay, I get it. For his other mom he wrote "all the time." Oooh slaaap! If this had happened the first few years of stepmotherhood, this would've broken my heart. I would've been depressed for days that my seven year old thinks his other mom (and in turn my husbands ex lover) is prettier than me. I don't freak out so easily anymore. THANK HEAVENS!! Transitioning into a blended family role easily causes identity crisis... at least it did for me - BIG TIME!!!!! Anyways... I loved it, and I'll keep it forever.

When it was time to take my s.son to his mom's house, we finished making the gifts I helped him prepare for her: a printed photobook of pictures of him, a card, and some cards with funny things he has said recently. When we got to her house, she handed me a card. I wasn't expecting anything, but I was tickled to get it. I hugged our little guy good-bye and waited until I got home to open her card. Turns out...

it was the best card I've ever received in my life.

Sweet Success!

Being kind and serving someone is always the right choice. Her card was a wonderful milestone in our relationship.

And that is why my mother's day was the best ever!!!



A couple days later I asked a friend of mine (who is a wonderful mother) how her Mother's Day was. She replied with distaste, "Ugh! It was AWFUL!" That got me thinking. She said nothing specific happened to make her day bad - it just assume it wasn't extraordinary. How different of an experience would that day have been if she CHOSE to be happy and excited around her kids? SAD!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Why's of this blog

Why the new blog? I know there are other stepmothers/fathers out there who sometimes [who are we kidding?] OFTEN feel emotionally overwhelmed at the circumstances a blended family creates. My intent with this blog is to proactively better my life by making the choice to turn any negative feelings into positive ones! I'd love to have you join me in my journey and contribute your own challenges and victories with your successful blended family!